stained one
Stained Two. Stained Three.
Living Life is a major thing for me. Hurt is hard for me to take, but I accept it the way it is. I'm always being told what to do that I pay no attention for myself. Once I realized this, I can see how much pain does flow in my veins.
..
Glass Droplets was partially based on my life. I don't think the people around me see how much pain I've been through in order to be who I am today. Sometimes, you just wished the pain go away forever. But they're always there to remain as scars. People pretend as if nothing happened. Everyone has a past and even it's revealed, let it be. 'Cause the TRUTH does hurt. I sucked it in, and even if I won't be able to run back to him, I'll always remember the way he taught me how he LIED.
I still do get emotional everytime I see him or talk to him. A part of me would always remember him. I hope one day I'll be able to heal this wound, and maybe if I'm ever lucky, I'll get to meet somebody much better who will like me as who I am "She" LIED to me. My own best cousin frickin' LIED. It hurted so much at first that I'll spend time crying alone, keeping everybody out. I LOVED her so much and yet, she still had to backstab me. I sought revenge, and got it. Turns out, nobody liked it and I was left devasted to myself. "She" receives the most attention and her acting skills are too good. Always pretending like she cares about me. Digging people to into it, turning people against me for real. It incredibly STRUCK me hard that she was nothing I thought of. I've proven myself that she wasn't worth the BIT. She could play all the men/guys she'd like. She could mess with whomever she wants. It's her LIFE and not mine. I decided to get going because staying here sucks big time. I'll let her have it her way this time because she's young and tricked me into being my foolish self. But next time, I'm going to be better than ever. I've learned to be humble and faithful for the rest of my LIFE. That can explain why I believe in true love, honesty, and trust. One guy is enough for me and I don't want to move all over the place. But.. what do I know exactly when I was never experienced before? I can wait. I know what I want and need. Rushing it will never feel so real. Taking it slow is just so surreal. I know I cannot trust guys. They're all the same. Them shallow hearts. He got me the ropes to climb over the wall, but it's me who have to jump over it. I've depended too much on him. I've got no shame in my drama situation, and I'll never be sorry for what happened. I can't be the blame, so people should SHUT UP and learn that they also went through pain, even if it seemed less than this. I would never take anything for granted again. Right now, I'm in the middle of the healing process, or whatever it's called. Feelings will change dramatically through time. And life just turns around no matter where I turn. I don't like interferance from the people who didn't care at first. It cannot be helped and there's no one who I could trust. But I do anyhow. And sometimes they take advantage of the whole situation and I just want to poke a hole through them. Whatever I want to say, they won't listen to me. Everytime I say something, it's automatically closed. It's complicated as I try to make a person understand, it's hopeless. (= I did no wrong. I lost a large piece of me, pretending to me myself. I've gotta keep going. A fact is, I am always amazed by stars in the sky. A sign of relief within me, I guess. I haven't seen a shooting star for almost a year. I hope to see them again because they are somewhat to treat my emotional side. I'm different, just everybody else. But I'm more different, probably just interesting. =D It was a depressing time of my life, but I handled it pretty well. What's the point of staying when it's going to hurt me more? I need a change, and this built me strong. It'll take time. A thing for sure is that I'm never going to be the same. I can act like it's no big deal, but it really is. It's amazing how much I learn what life is already.
REALITY CHECK HERE. What can I say about myself? In words, that is.. I just totally ROCKK.
and who appreciates me. I don't move on quickly as others do and TIME is a certain matter of what I wished to have more of. I never had the chance to show him all of me, and I guess I'll never be able to. Once you know you found something/someone important, he will always remain worthy of you. Wondering now, I should have never assumed that he must have felt the same way I did towards him. I couldn't help it 'cause he treated me differently from other people I know. But being a girl, I got foolished and carried away. And it still makes me cry whenever I think about it. It's killing me, but I'm strong and I don't let such things affect me so bad. I've become more emotional this year. I've suffered through two situations almost like this before. I hate things that repeat constantly when it's just bad news. Knowing this, I will continue as I am. WHY..? You may wonder. Truth is, I don't really know it myself. How come I put through so much passion and deep words? I don't know. It's FATE that I was FORBIDDEN to feel the way I want to be. Why is that people often forget that I'm a girl? They know I could always hold it in. Maybe they know I don't really need anybody in life. I'm always on the other side, so different from everyone. People judge it that I leave them, but actually, it's a favor I have to do for myself and them. 
Turning their backs on me, I must do this : let go. I only have room to protect one person, and that's just me who I have to fight for. I feel really STUPID always listening to songs that constantly remind me of what happened in the past. REASON. He was my reason when I dwelled in the deepest part of myself. His smile always brightened up the mood. And his actions tore down the walls I built. I thought this meant something. Prince Charming to the rescue? It was. And it's unbelievable to believe it did happen. He's forever gone from me. Why did I miss him so much? Realizing it, why would he choose my cousin over me when he knew me longer? Especially when "SHE" knew how I felt? How can I not cry for this feeling of stab I received from her?
!! MY BEST FRIENDS ROXX (that includes maymo, vickay, mommy, 3 aunties & my daily LOVELY commenters) !! They watched me and told me how it was to experienced this. They may call it infatuation, but it's not. Thanks to them, I have that FAITH and HOPE I regained slowly each day. How can I not act as if this never have happened? There many extremely gruesome and meaningless people against me. SCREW IT. I've taken to build up my attitude and my temper. It rises when I'm really pissed off. Because everywhere I go reminds me of him and "she". It's okay. I still have the ♥ I have for myself. (= I've maintain times with my important people -- offline and online. I've finally come across to EXPRESS the inner self of mine. It's great to laugh off with my family and friends.
: ♥ : : : : : ♥ :
first love
{well, not anymore!!}
..I dedicate Glass Droplets to Turtle.
♥ August 2005
♥ Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
"Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.." -- Listen To Your Heart ;;
Most adults in my culture always think they're right and they don't listen to what the young ones have to say. That's just.. SICK. I've lost lots of important people this year and I can be the blame. But it's not always about me. It's about them too-- how much they suck it in. How much the TRUTH hurts. I don't think 2 close person can handle what the other can say about them in bad or good ways. As I was drawing a picture of a girl in a swimsuit, I began to wonder thoughts. I've taken time away from the computer during the evening to color designs for face painting. At times like this, it's pretty depressing. Like what my teacher once said, Everthing you do is right. I felt like I did no wrong. I don't think humans understand humans. We're all alike/similar, but we are VERY different in minor areas. Family saying that they don't want to love you anymore.. I guess it's okay when they pinpoint that out on me. I can't always be dependent of myself and them. It's not going to work out afterall. Once something is done, it truly lands where it is. But I walk ahead even though I have to end it or even if people are still stuck there. It is REALITY and people have to learn to "let it go". But they are ANGRY and fed up about the whole situation. They can breakdown, have revenge, break the relationship apart.. But then.. That deepens us more into the dark. The only light that can shine is when you set it FREE. I realized this because I'm out of the light and now higher up. But the dark still surrounds me because it's balanced. People can hate me and I can hate them. People use me and I use them. I think that's how the system works. It sort of tears me apart 'cause.. the truth DOES hurts. Moving on is like leaving the past behind. I still haven't left the past behind, but I'm OVER it. So maybe that's a sign?? Point is, are you willing to stay forever like this?? In this place where you always stick around?? In this place where you have neverending memories that keep replaying constantly?? Are you willing to forgive?? Why do you want to do this?? Anger?? Yes.. Good people dig you out of it-- they want you to regain the HOPE, they want to CRY with you, they want to let you know they beg for FORGIVENESS even if they didn't do anything wrong, they RESPECT and are CONSIDERATE of you in many ways, they would do ANYTHING for you just to feel better. They still LOVE you so much after the PAIN. They want you to HEAL. They can't stand to see you like this. They want you to be HAPPY because you mean so much to them. I can't walk back and I do have GOOD PEOPLE. I took some things for granted. I'm not easy because I'm not the girl you've just passed by. I'm the type of person someone wants to know 'cause she always had self-belief through the darkest times. She expresses herself through art and technogoly combined because she wants others like her to know that they're not the only ones out there who's in the same reality. You've got to respect the PASSION and DETERMINATION she puts herself through sitting on the computer all day and doing various of good opportunities out there. She wants to EXCELL and PROVE people who thinks wrongly of her just because she did something they considered "BAD". A whole future and road is set ahead of her. What is her reason?? The pain can't stay eternally 'cause it'll only last a while. Do something you love to get your mind off it. And it doesn't always work, but there is PROGRESS. Because if you wait too long, no one is really going to rescue you. It's up to YOU to escape and be pulled out of it. In the meantime, this waiting is turning out perfectly dead-on OKAYY. What did I do to deserve this?? Well, life turns around. It's so unexpected as you discover newer things everyday. Happiness doesn't last for long, so make it. Understand yourself. Don't TRY, just do it. Truth is, .. I don't HATE & LOVE anyone fully.
♥ Thursday, July 7th, 2005
It hurts to exist and suffer, but I must live. Right nows, my mom and aunts knows my situation. I told my aunt and they all should have known without me saying anything. My mom, sisters, aunts, and best friends are the only ones I can get to when I have no one else. Obviously, I never talked to mom about a guy I who really liked. This is the first time I said it, and I guess she's in a bit shock. But she saw this coming the first time I told her about HIM. My mom told me to love him because I will never find a guy like him. I think she's right because her words had always guided me. She knows I have strong feelings for him. Point is, I don't want to be involve in such a big dilemma. My mom knew this dilemma would start once HE saw HER. I knew it too, so why did I have to introduce him? Because I really liked HIM and wanted HER to see how he was like. Besides, I told HER about HIM from long ago through emails. Guess I'm fulfilled within the darkness and just like Sunako-chan, I'll always hide in it. Maybe it's time to MOVE on. I've been listening to tus phooj ywg zoo tshaj for hours and hours. I've been thinking about it. I have done this for quite a while now. It's time to let HIM go. Just because he was the first guy I've loved doesn't mean it's going to stop me. More stuff are on my xanga. *SIGH* It's time to smile =D I need to regain HOPE and FAITH. I don't want to be in this triangle anymore and I wouldn't care less if SHE starts using HIM.
♥ Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
I'm finally listening to sad songs. I decided not to go to Chicago Mount Rushmore with my Aunt and cousins from Cali. When you really like someone, you just wonder why it turned out this way. I told HIM yesterday, the very first guy I've opened myself to. The first guy I ever told my feelings to face to face. When I was talking to my cousin earlier, I told her how I felt. I'm not mad at her. It's just that I know she's playing around. I can't always hold back and write love letters and weep. On the verge of tears, I decided I felt I had tell him. Even though I haven't talked things out with a friend who also has feelings for him, I know I have to let it go out of me. I wanted to tell her how I felt before I would let HIM know. I just want to give it a chance from the moment I got to know HIM. It wasn't like I picked someone out. The feelings are just there and I can't help but feel them. I need some time alone away from him, but it just can't happen like that. I don't want to be friends or anything like that anymore. I've been a good friend and I haven't showed much of how I feel. I'm not the type to cling herself on a guy and to let him touch me all he wants is gross. Even people around me know my feelings for HIM when I always have denied it. I appreciate him in every way and I'm beginning to wonder if he only thought I was playing with him. Talking with my sister has helped me out emotionally that I cried hard. I haven't done so since my dad came back in March. I have respect for everyone, especially to my body. HE acts as if I never told him anything. It's so hard to let people know and let people understand so I just blog it down. More private things are within my journal. If I listened to my heart earlier, I wouldn't have lost something so precious to me. My cousin thinks it's stupid to wait for the one I love. I can't help myself but wait because I know this feeling is real. She also says it doesn't matter if my friend had strong feelings for him. I don't want to lose a friend and I don't want to miss my chance either. I don't want to bring the past to the present. It's already happening and I can see it well. I feel like a creature of darkness never being able to get a creature of light. It's hurting deep inside and I want to make HIM see. Seems as if I have been removed and misplaced out of the world. I really am in love with this GUY who hasn't become a man. I don't need a man, I just want a person who I could be able to love dearly. My cousin said I should use him, but I can't use him because I trust him. I have hope in him. I'm always the one chasing and I guess it's how that was always meant to be. I want to be honest and serious about everything I have to say. I have to understand to let him go, but I've worked so hard to get to know him without rushing. I accept him the way he is although he is a bit perverted and although I know he likes someone else. Being friends with guys always make me suffer because in the past, I've experienced neverending days. I thought HE would be different. Well, guess he knows that I'm HURT now. I've always waited patiently and that's why I haven't had my first bf, first kiss, and first kiss yet. It's hard to find someone so much like me. I'm closing now, I'm seriously going to close now. One life is one love for me.